To The Boy With The Sweet Smile—
Earlier, we were texting about one of our high school classmates (I hope you remember who she is). I told you about how she confessed to the guy she liked by giving him a drawing, and how he hasn’t spoken to her since that confession (about three weeks ago).
Actually, I was hesitant to tell you about it. I didn’t want you to think I was fishing for answers from you, especially since both you and I know how similar our situation is to theirs.
But in the end, I told you about it. I couldn’t resist telling you about it. Part of me was curious about how you’d react. Another part of me decided to tell you, just because you probed about it. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you have such a strong effect on me that I wouldn’t be able to resist doing anything you’d tell me to do. Malakas ka sa akin eh. Haha. ^^;;
And just what did you say?
“At least alam na nung guy na may paghanga si ____ sa kanya. Baka naman nagulat lang yung guy, siguro ____ should give the guy some time para mag-isip. I hope maging maayos yung lovelife ni ____.”
Hmm. It made me think.
Are you thankful (grateful, relieved, happy, whatever the appropriate word is… my brain fails me now) that you already know I like you? Were you shocked when I told you? When I gave you space (and ample time), did you think about it?
What did you think about the letter?
What do you think of me?
I swear I’d give anything just to know what went through your mind when you found out about my feelings for you… But I’d give even more just to find out what you really think of me right now.
Curiosity killed the cat – that, I know. But even if you don’t like me, even if you think I’m an annoying pest… If you told me right now, it wouldn’t kill me. It’d hurt me, yes, but it wouldn’t kill me because I’d appreciate your honesty.
Just tell me. Please.
Genuinely and sincerely,
Me.
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005. Happy 21st birthday! :D
To The Boy With The Sweet Smile—
Remember what I said in my first letter about sending you all those “cheesy quotes” because I was hoping that maybe they’d put a smile on your face?
Well, all those quotes you’ve sent me since last year constantly put a smile on my face, too. I managed to save almost all of them, hoping that it’d keep happiness as tangible as possible for me.
I’d just like to say thanks for always making me smile. This is my way of giving back the happiness that you’ve given me. Hope you’ll appreciate this gift as much as I appreciate your quotes and other text messages. Haha. :D
Take care always… God bless. Happy birthday! :D
Genuinely and sincerely,
Me.
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To The Boy With The Sweet Smile—
I guess you know who I am by now… Honestly, I’m surprised you still talk to me after I handed you that letter last year. I don’t know what I did to deserve this good treatment, but I’m very grateful for it. I hope you don’t think I’m a stalker or anything, because scaring you would be the last thing I’d ever want to do. But if you’re wondering how my letter got here, well, I have my own way of getting things done (and no, I did not involve anyone else in this :P). Haha. :P
I’m trying to make this letter a lot less elaborate than the last one… Obviously, I’m failing at that. Haha. :P
It’s finals week for you, right? Don’t ask how I know, I have my sources (no, it’s not Gillian, not this time, anyway :P). You’ve almost made it through your first semester in med school. Congrats! I’m so proud of you. Really, I am. I’ve seen you get to where you are right now, step by step. I’ve always believed in you and your abilities; I’ve always known that you’d achieve anything you set your heart to. Don’t believe anyone who says you can’t (even yourself). Around this time last year, you were reviewing for the NMAT, right? But now you’re almost finished with your first semester in med school. Thats a huge achievement. :D
Even though you might get frustrated if things don’t always go your way, just remember that making mistakes or failing at things is part of life, what matters is that you learn to never repeat the same mistake twice. Just do your best in everything you do, and the rest will follow.
Anyway, if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here. I’m just a text, call, or Friendster message away. Never hesitate to contact me about anything, okay? :D
God bless with your finals. Study hard and do your best! You can do it! Take care always. :D
Genuinely and sincerely,
Me.
P.S. Sorry if my handwriting isn’t as nice as yours… But I did try my best to make it legible. :P
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To The Boy With The Sweet Smile—
Why is it that when I’m alone, I think of hundreds of topics to talk about, and thousands of questions to ask. Imaginary conversations run through my mind constantly throughout the day, like scenes from a telenovela/soap opera. But once we’re together, I forget everything, and I’m just content with your presence. I steal glances and fidget nervously in my seat, jiggling my foot (and stopping myself once I notice myself doing it).
It’s like words aren’t enough to express everything.
Unfortunately, I’m the type of person who sucks at oral communication. I express my thoughts better when they’re written down. But it’s not like I can talk to everyone using Yahoo Messenger or Friendster or blogs or text messaging, right? Sooner or later, I’ll have to open my mouth and speak, even though I know I’m bad at it.
I’m sorry if I don’t say much when I’m with you. It doesn’t mean I don’t like being with you… It’s actually the opposite. I like being with you so much that I’d rather not spoil the moment by opening my mouth and saying something foolish.
That’s all.
Genuinely and sincerely,
Me.
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002. An explanation.
To The Boy With The Sweet Smile—
I’m not that good at expressing myself. I don’t like talking about how I feel toward people… I can talk and talk and talk for hours about how I feel about something, but never about how I feel about someone. I have no idea if you ever noticed that, or if you ever even noticed me.
But then I read something that made me change my mind.
Just tell them how you feel. Is anyone going to die?
No.
But one day, you will.
Would you like to do that before or after you tell them?
(from I Wrote This For You)
So, I decided to start this blog… I decided that I needed to tell you how I feel about you. I don’t know when I’ll ever tell you about this blog, or if I’ll ever even tell you about this. But in case I ever do decide to tell you, then this blog will hold all of my thoughts and feelings.
Remember that letter? I’d like to rewrite that letter… I’d like to change a few things. Maybe I can write in this blog, little by little, until I can fully express how I really feel.
I gave you the first letter almost a year ago. October 4, 2008. I can still remember it vividly, like it just happened yesterday. I can remember what the air smelled like, how the sun warmed my face, and how you smiled at me while I approached you.
Now that I think about it, I did feel foolish about what I did. I felt hesitation. I was scared that you’d ignore me for the rest of our lives. I was scared to lose you. Right then and there, I realized that you meant so much to me, more than my letter would imply. But that only fueled my need to give you the letter. I knew how much you meant to me, and I took a gamble. Maybe, just maybe, you liked me too. I was willing to settle for anything from you, even if it meant for settling for a lot less love than I had for you.
So I handed you that letter. I wonder if you still remember what I said to you as I gave it to you… “Sana hindi magbago ang tingin mo sa akin pag nabasa mo na ‘to.”
I had so many reasons for not giving you that letter anonymously… I was scared that it’d get misplaced, I was scared that it’d end up in someone else’s hands, I was scared that my precious letter would get mutilated by the elements. So I decided to give it to you personally, destroying all of my chances of anonymity. But on second thought, maybe it was better that way. I didn’t have to put on a mask anymore. I didn’t have to pretend that I didn’t like you. I could just be myself. I had this inkling of hope that you’d like me for being myself.
We parted ways awkwardly after that. It took all of my strength to drag myself to SEARCA, where I met up with Memer. I spilled all of my feelings to her, knowing that she’d understand the pains of unrequited love somehow.
Then I cried for a week after that. I cried until I thought I couldn’t cry anymore…
But then we saw each other a week later, and you didn’t say anything. I was with KC, Memer and Greta back then. Do you remember? Memer claims you smiled at us, but I was too embarrassed to even look at you. I was distraught because you never said a word… I took it as a sign of rejection.
Thus, I gave up. I stopped texting. I tried to stop thinking of you. Obviously, it didn’t work (because I’m still here). But for 2 weeks, we lost all communication. Then you texted me that quote, and we started exchanging more quotes after that. We caught up with each other’s lives. We asked each other how we were doing and shared updates about ourselves and other people close to us. This happened over the past year.
Then we saw each other twice, earlier this month. The last time happened about 2 weeks ago.
Somehow, I felt better after that. I felt…accepted. Not as a girlfriend. Just as a friend. But like I mentioned earlier, I was willing to settle for anything that you’d offer me. I’m willing to settle for just friendship, as long as it means I’d continue to hear from you.
This lead me to a realization…
I don’t just like you; I think I love you. Okay, I do love you. I’m sure of it, but I’m scared to admit it to myself and to the world, because I have this (almost irrational) fear of losing the people that I love. It paralyzes me, and keeps me from getting close to the people I want to get close to. But I think you’re worth the gamble. I think you’re worth the wait. If I get hurt, you’re worth the pain. I want to get close to you. (Aside from that, the fact remains that there’s something about you that makes me gravitate to you like a magnet. I can’t pinpoint what it is exactly…) I’d do anything to keep you, to stay close to you. I’d settle for being just friends if that meant you’d always be in my life.
I wonder if I’ll ever get the courage to tell you this: I love you.
I know that I’m not so anonymous to you anymore after I handed you that letter. But you probably think that I have forgotten about that incident a year ago… I haven’t.
I still wait for your reply.
Genuinely and sincerely,
Me.
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To The Boy With The Sweet Smile—
I’m not going to beat around the bush: I like you. I don’t like you as in love you, but I like you enough to always want to find excuses to talk to you; I like you enough to want to know more about you; I like you enough to want to be in your company most of the time.
This is going to be a little hard to write, because I want to pick the perfect words to express what I’m feeling without making it too extravagant. Everything always sounds a lot more extravagant when it’s said. Plus, I don’t want to scare you. I’m going to sign this as anonymous. You might know who I am, but you’ll never be 100% sure, and that’s good enough for me.
I don’t know why I have this crush on you. You’re not anything special – or at least, not that I know of. And what I mean by “special” is like those hot male celebrities on the A-list with the perfect bodies and personalities to match, so don’t look down on yourself just by what I said. Then again, I’m giving myself too much credit – who said that what I say is going to make any impact in your life?
I know this will sound shallow, but maybe I like you because of your looks. You’re a really handsome guy, you know that? I’m sure a lot of girls fawn over you without you even knowing it. I know I do.
I can’t help but think that it isn’t only your looks. But what else do I know? You’re quiet, and I don’t know you that well. Maybe it’s because I’m intrigued by you, and I want to break you out of your shell, not that I’m sure you even have a shell. For all I know, you could have a double life being a drag-queen, or some male stripper. I’m not saying you look like one, but, hey, you never know. (I’m just kidding here.)
Maybe it’s because I’m being selfish, and I want to feel special by being the first girl you’ve ever really had a good, long conversation with about things you don’t even tell your closest friends – although, maybe you already have a girl in mind.
Or maybe you’re just a result of boredom, because I don’t have anything else to laugh and giggle over – yet, I highly doubt that can be it, because I haven’t told my friends that I like you yet, and I tell them about practically every boy I think is good-looking, or cute. You’re definitely a step up from them. You’re not just good-looking and cute. You’re more than that – but I’m not sure how.
I like listening to your voice, even though it’s not especially pleasing. I mean, it’s decent, but it’s not like one of those smooth radio voices that unexpectedly put a warm smile on your face and a fuzzy feeling in your heart. Your voice sounds very boyish – teenager boyish – which you are. Actually, I have no idea where I’m going with this.
My point is, I like hearing the sound of your voice, probably because it reminds me that you’re actually talking to me and focusing on only me for that short moment in time. Everyday, I think of different things to say to you the next time we’ll meet. The days that pass by without hearing your voice don’t kill me or make me sad, but I think about how much it would just make my day even happier if you would initiate a “hello,” which you had done a few times. Those simple greetings kept a smile in my heart.
Then there are times when I text you with cheesy quotes even though you rarely reply. Sorry if I’m always bothering you. Actually, I’m not really sorry because it made me happy just to think that you’d read those messages. Maybe they put smiles on your face, maybe they made you think of me more. I remember one time I asked you a question that I hoped would strike up a conversation, but you answered it politely, and you never texted again. Maybe you already know I like you, and you’re thinking that I’m the most desperate person you’ve ever met.
I just want you to know that you inspire me to do better. You don’t know this, but I’ve constantly been trying to improve myself. Maybe to get your attention, maybe to prove that I may be worthy of you someday. Now I realize that it was foolish of me to think that way, but it didn’t go to waste, right? At least I’m a better person now. Even the people closest to me have noticed the changes in me. I never tell them that I greatly owe these changes to you. Anyway, it doesn’t matter if they know or not. I just want to thank you for being a good role model.
It really sounds like I’m in love with you, doesn’t it? Don’t get the wrong idea – I’m not. Not in the slightest bit. I’ve learned how to differentiate between crushes and real love.
I think I should end this before your ego gets inflated with all my compliments. Or I should end it before you get freaked out any longer, thinking I’m a stalker of some sort. Or I should end it before you figure out who I really am, even though with all the details I provided, you’re smart enough to know on your own. I’m still going to sign “Anonymous,” though.
I just thought you should know that you’re liked by someone. And I really needed to write what I was feeling, and let it pour out onto paper as carefully as I could.
By the way, you have a gorgeous smile.
Genuinely and Sincerely,
Anonymous.
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